Growing Up as an Autistic Child of a Narcissistic Mother

Both my parents were told I showed signs of autism as a toddler, but my mother refused to acknowledge it. She believed autism meant intellectual disability, which couldn’t exist in her intelligent world. While my father is also autistic, my mother targeted me for her abuse and neglect. This is the story of surviving a narcissistic mother as an autistic child.

Coping Through the Internet

As an autistic child, I found the outside world overwhelming. My mother would shame and bully me for every autistic trait. The internet became my escape, where I could be myself without judgment. Many autistic people use the internet this way when real life is too difficult. It was my only refuge from her constant criticism.

A Lonely Childhood

Growing up, I had no one on my side. My mother isolated me from friends and treated me as her scapegoat. If teachers or doctors expressed concern for autism, she denied anything was wrong. It was a lonely existence with no support or understanding. The only positive was my father, who also faced her abuse due to his autism.

Denying the Autism Diagnosis

Multiple professionals flagged me for autism screening from a young age, but my mother refused testing. She disliked “labels” and believed autism meant low intelligence, contradicting her inflated self-image. While admitting something was “off” about me, she blamed it on my personality rather than autism. Her denial left me without needed support and accommodations.

Yelling and Guilt Tripping

Any small mistake would set my mother off in a screaming fit. She called me selfish constantly despite my giving up my life to please her. Loud noises exacerbated my autism and sent me into meltdowns, but she didn’t care about autism sensitivities. If I stood up for myself, she’d order me not to speak, just to assert power and control.

Wishing to Be Famous Through Me

My mother pushed me to gain a large social media following, even building up my account herself. When bullying resulted from my increased presence at school, I deleted the account for my mental health. She still shames me for this choice, wanting to live through any fame or fortune I could have gained instead of caring for my wellbeing.

Forbidding Negative Emotions

Showing sadness or distress was forbidden in my house. If I cried, my mother went into a rage, the only one allowed to feel like a “victim.” She’d rarely ask about my mental health struggles like depression or suicidality, only diverting conversations back to discussing her own feelings. Expressing emotions wasn’t allowed.

Minimizing My Pain

No matter what struggles I faced, be it mental health issues, autism challenges, or physical disability, my mother refused to acknowledge their validity. She’d always compare my problems to others’, implying my difficulties were small. Apologies were replaced with backhanded compliments or gifts, never taking accountability for her harmful behaviors.

Living in Constant Negativity

With my mother, every conversation circled back to her views. She harbored on grim news stories and tales of injustice against her. Her oppressive negativity made home feel like a dark cloud. How could I cope with my own mental health issues in such a toxic environment with no support or validation? I did my best just to survive.

Escaping the Abuse

Living with my mother was mental torture. Each day brought new ways for her to minimize me, guilt trip me, or assert dominance. She refused boundaries and still monitored me as an adult. The only way to gain freedom and wellness was by leaving that abusive house. Now, with distance, I can finally heal and accept myself as an autistic person worthy of love.